Sunday, June 30, 2013

Just sayin'. If you're going to do it, may as well do it right.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


8 days after my last post Doug told me he wanted a divorce... what a strange thought.
So! Here I am! Divorced! And honestly, struggling pretty hard this week, but that's how it's been right along, one moment GREAT! the next lower than mud.
I have to say for all of you that do NOT yet have children, consider HARD the fact that half of y'all are destined for divorce and well frankly, it's a hell of a lot easier on everyone involved, if you don't have to involve a child in divorce. As horrible as I feel about what I've lost, I'm even more twisted up inside when I think that Zaria is now "a child of divorce". And yes I know, my therapist tells me to chill out about it that she's lucky to have me and that it's good Doug still sees her..but that's not enough for me.

Now she seems to be doing great...she loves being jetted back and forth and asks every night who is going to come get her, where are we going, what are we going to do? She's always loved being on the go. Good thing.

So pardon me while I take full advantage of this rainy day and my cold and be a bit of a hum bug. I like to think I've earned it!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Picture time!

Zari "on stage" during swim lessons...she looks around to make sure she has everyones attention and then performs her Humtpy Dumpty move and hops into the pool.
Finger painting professional

I thought it was pretty

Common Ground Fair 2011

The best thing about swim lessons is the snack afterwards

Common Ground Fair Childrens area..they had tools to play with and nails in boards to hammer. Fun times!

I was holding her up and swearing at my mom to hurry up and take the pictures lol

Wearing some of my favorite pj's and her Mr Potato Head glasses

Cute baby cow with momma cow :)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I smell good.

Solid perfume! I made some! Eeeek! I actually made two "flavors" they both have 4-7 different flavors of essential oil but the first smells predominately of jasmine, and the second of a vanilla/citrus yumminess that I based off a store bought perfume I have that is Vanilla's really hard to keep from licking the Vanilla citrus perfume it smells sooo good. Doug liked the Jasmine perfume and said it didn't seem to bother his nose like alot of perfumes do. Blahblahblah.

I'm going to make egg rolls this weekend, my parents used to make them when we were little, I haven't had homemade egg rolls since I was very young, so I'm kind of excited. I doubt I'll be able to get Zari to try them. That girl.. she asks for food constantly and won't eat ANY of it.
She got a little confused tonight and had a bit of fun mixing her yogurt with her crackers and then dripping that on her apple... I've been letting her mix her own recipes while I work...I'll give her some dry beans, some lentils, some rice, some water and a spoon and she mixes away happily, sometimes even tasting her creations. She got inspired with dinner and did some more mixing. I chose to ignore the yogurt mess on the coffee table until Doug came home and then he graciously took care of it.

I got my desk audit at work! Which is good news, comes with a small raise, and a new title, but it's also a bit annoying...since I've been DOING this same level of work all along..but I'm only now about to be treated as such. Wish I had done it sooner needless to say!

By the way...I love Rosanne. The tv show. The entire series is on netflix, and since I'm up in the middle of the night *I* get to choose what to watch and this is perfect. It's just so my childhood! I wish this was still on tv.

And...I'm tired. :)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Lame worries

I know there are better things to worry about...but I just looked over at Zari who is sitting on the other end of the couch..and you guys...she's beautiful. Like undeniably beautiful. So this makes me worry 1 of 2 things... 1.) What if she starts out this beautiful only to somehow "loose" it while growing up? or 2.) As a young lady and woman, and even as a little girl, the unwanted attention that being beautiful do I teach her to handle it? I have terrible self esteem, I like to think I'm getting better...but after so much high school rejection, I still wonder, has anyone other than my own parents and my husband ever found me attractive? This is deeply personal and I can't believe I'm putting it on a website. But hell, I've been essentially alone for two weeks now while Doug works some serious overtime.. I'm due for a little over sharing with someone. Plus, I've only told like 3 people I know about this website. I'm <hopefully> a complete stranger to any other reader. :)
How do I teach Zari to be a better person than I am? Is it even possible to teach her everything I'm not? In your early 20's you start to separate from your family, realizing that your parents and siblings aren't the perfect people you grew up thinking they were. Then in your late 20's/30's you start to realize YOU aren't everything you thought you were. Personal growth can suck.
And how to hell do you TEACH your children the lessons that you've learned? One thing being overweight and tall taught me as a kid was compassion and empathy. For some reason kids listened to me when I told them to stop picking on the fat kid...I couldn't understand why they weren't picking on me since I was fat too (and also towered over my classmates by about 12 inches..not exactly blending in). I hope she stands up for the fat kids too. Lord knows they need all the love they can get.
That's about as deep as it gets here folks. TGIF!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


In its usual fashion summer left just as soon as it's been raining like it's April or May instead of October.. I'm left with thoughts of our brief summer interludes with Zari. Second annual trip to Fort Knox on Fathers Day, her 2nd birthday party, our trip to Biddeford and Storyland, day trips to the beach with friends, the State Fair, Moose Point State Park exploration <very cool tidal pools> another trip to Biddeford and the Wildlife Park, and ending it all was the Common Ground Fair not long ago. Now I enter the season of holidays...paid days off from work <grin grin grin!> and cozy time spent indoors. Both seasons (really, there's only 2 in Maine) have their benefits, and I genuinely enjoy both...but I find transition of any sort difficult, this included. I'll miss the freedom and the outdoor play (and yard sales!). I'll miss the garden (my first year with a vegetable garden and my mom is amazed at how well I did, thank you mom), I'll miss the adventuring with Zaria - showing her new places.

Now we will embrace the library visits, the Target toy aisle playing, swim lessons at the Y and family get togethers <hopefully. I think my mom will agree we're kind of retarded about getting together. We all claim to like each other quite a bit, but spend time together? Pfffffttt> I've already started reading voraciously as I do every fall and winter. Now is the time of craft projects and planning. Last year I started tearing down walls and have created a little closet nook my father claims he'll finish some day. My FIL volunteered to help us with fixing one of the toilets and lying down new floors and walls in the other bathroom. Very exciting things could happen this winter. Or none of it could happen <more likely>. Either way, this season also notes the beginning of The Cold and Flu Season. I blame Doug. Zari is a good girl and won't hold it against him. But it did give me an excuse to order supplies from Mountain Rose Herbs. Coming in the mail <thank you visa card> are some essential oils to make my own vapor rub, as well as some beeswax for vapor rub and lotion bars <EEEEEEK!> I'm super excited! Oh yes, I also ordered some elderberries for making elderberry syrup...hopefully something I can stomach, and Zari will try. Doug does what I tell him, bless his heart - so he'll be taking it too. I think I've encountered elderberries before, and if I remember correctly they're extremely strong flavored and quite unpleasant. I'm actually a bit nauseous just thinking about it. So we'll see how it goes.

The garden is gearing up for winter.. I've had to bring a few plants that were living on my deck railing to my workplace. The one good window in a cat proof room, can't handle all the plants I have. My basil will probably need to live at work as well. Hmm..Maybe my two indoor tomato plants can live there too? IDEA! I'm not sure if I can trust others to keep their paws off my 'maters once they start growing. I'm thinking that will be around Xmas time too. You know how people get all wanty-grabby around the holidays. They might expect me to SHARE!

Once I get to finally MOVE INTO MY OWN HOUSE <dad..walls..c'mon now> I plan on having a few hanging plants (cat proof!) and a few smaller plants living on the mantle...and I'd like to have one for Zari's room to. I talked to her about it one day, she didn't seem interested...but then a few days later she was "helping" me and moved one of my plants into her bedroom all on her own. It couldn't stay because the cats could get at where she put it, but I was thrilled to my tippy toes. :)

My cosmos <also known as the hidden, and most gorgeous things I've grown all year> are now taller than the first story windows. Mom says I must be doing something right. Other than cutting 1-2 new bouquets for the past 6 weeks, I don't know what that could be! Honestly it's gorgeous out there and not a single person but me knows about it because it's on the backside of the house outside our living room window...a frothy green wave of dark, and medium purple and white cosmos. There's enough that Zari can pick her own and not upset me, or the flowers. I can't wait to do it again except in an additional location that will show off. I also want a rock wall for the front of the house...wish rocks were free! And dirt! I can't believe the stuff I've paid for this many bags of old cow crap have I bought? Jesus.

that is all. :)

Friday, September 23, 2011

The fair

We went, we saw, we conquered, we skipped our nap time! haha! Doug and I took time off from work to enjoy the Common Ground Fair...our first visit with Zaria. I'm not sure the Common Ground Fair is Doug's favorite place to be. He likes The Hippy Food, but he doesn't like The Hippy. But Zaria quite enjoyed it! At one point we were watching a live band and she got up and danced much to the delight of the other patrons. I have a 2 minute video of her dancing her sweet dance, but I can't figure out how to get blogger to let me post videos. :( I still owe Aunt Ellie a video if I can ever figure it out.
My parents went as well and my mom and I hit up the Johnny's Select Seeds tent, and the Fedco tent. My mom took Zaria over to the childrens area for a bit and Doug and I hit up Sal's Calzones..Sadly Sal wasn't there this year :( he had 4 women doing the work of 1 Sal. Doug and I made sure to hit up Dr. Pussums for some new cat nip toys for the cats. It was a cat nip orgy when Doug handed out the toys. Then Leo got mean and started pounding on everyone and taking their toys..he's a mean drunk.

I put Zari down to bed at 5pm, she did amazingly well considering she started her day by vomiting in the car. (Let this be a lesson to me: Even though you cannot comprehend a scenario when you may need a change of clothes for your offspring, pack one anyways...) Followed by an over stimulating time at the FAIR! with GRAMMY! and GRAMPY!..I'm amazed, thankful, and impressed by my little nugget. She's a trooper! And a people loving fun seeker. She's so not me. I'm so happy for that! :) I just hope she'll continue to visit me in my hermit cave in my old age. :)

Tomorrow we have swim class day 3. Blaze and Sara our friends from class, tried to teach Zaria "Knuckles" (what I call Fist Bump) and I've been working on it with Zari. We hope to impress the older, more mature toddler: Blaze. Let's hope he's impressed by blond girls that like to mash fists like it's a potato!